Picture: ISTOCK
Picture: ISTOCK

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WELCOME! Congratulations! You have successfully purchased a 2016 African National Congress (ANC) computer games console (the ANC GC16). These step-by-step instructions are designed to help you get the best out of your purchase.

Manufacturer: SA Inc.

Contents

Your games console comprises four core component parts. Each is marked accordingly:

1. The traditional ANC mainframe;

2. The Cosatu power adapter;

3. The SACP interface; and

4. Public control with joystick.

Assembly

In order for your ANC GC16 console to function all four components must be connected. The traditional hardware cannot work alone. Its power is largely derived from the adapter. The console software is contained in the interface. Connect 1, 2 and 3 together using the supplied cables. Finally, attach 4, the control.

Your ANC GC16 console it now ready to use.

Instructions

The traditional ANC mainframe is wired using the latest in demagogic technology. This means it will run only when popular games are played. DO NOT play any games requiring reason or deduction. This is an upgrade from the 2004 ANC console that, while wired for reasoning, was never popular.

The Cosatu power adapter runs on DC self-interest (the ANC mainframe runs on AC self-interest). This means the Cosatu power adapter will supply power only when the ANC mainframe also runs on DC self-interest. Switch the ANC mainframe converter to DC self-interest in order to get power to the ANC mainframe.

The SACP interface runs on whatever power is available. Its software is based on binary code originated in the 1930s. It will channel power and turn it into graphics. It has no power of its own and cannot function without both the Cosatu adapter and the ANC mainframe.

Once running, the joystick gives the illusion of direction. This guide explains how your joystick choices translate into onscreen movements:

Up = Down

Down = Up

Left = Right

Right = Left

If you press the Hold button on your joystick, the ANC mainframe will corrupt.

WARNING: The Public Control Joystick is largely to placate. Rarely does it result in on-screen movement. Often the movement, as per the instructions, is counterintuitive. The ANC GC16 functions best without the joystick connected.

Interacting with the ANC GC16

There is only one way to interact with the ANC GC16 and that is via Zuma, our built-in virtual interface. On the start screen, Zuma will prompt you with certain questions. Ignore these. They are there merely to give the appearance of choice and how you respond will be irrelevant to the final decision the ANC GC16 makes.

Zuma is built using the latest in demagogic technology. He might prompt different questions, depending on who is interacting with the ANC GC16, but he will always make the final decision.

We have recently encountered some difficulty with the interplay between Zuma and the ANC mainframe. We are looking into this.

Games compatible with the ANC GC16

The console was originally designed to play "Racial Harmony: The Rainbow". This game comes free with any ANC GC16 purchase. With time, we have expanded the software to play other standard games, such as "Basic Education: The cure" and "Economic Growth: The modern world".

Unfortunately, due to so many parts being made in China, there were software compatibility problems with the global internet mainframe and, if you try to play either "Basic Education" or "Economic Growth", the system will shutdown and an error message will display: "Not compatible with ANC GC16".

We are looking into this.

These complications have also resulted in a "Racial Harmony" malfunction. We are, however, pleased to announce that "Racial Discord: The Accusation", is fully compatible and functions perfectly.

Other popular games include: "The Corrupt Heart", "Crisis: The Status Quo" and "Denial: The Blinding".

Dos and Don’ts

Do: Bemoan the functioning of your ANC GC16, it feeds of resentment.

Don’t: Buy another model, or else you will have nothing to bemoan.

Do: Use your ANC GC16 in other countries; the power supply is compatible with power sockets in Zimbabwe, Libya, Sudan, Iran and Iraq.

Don’t: Use your ANC GC16 in all other countries; the power supply is not compatible with power sockets in America or the UK.

Do: Post good news stories about the ANC GC16 on our online forum, ANC GC16: The Good News.

Don’t: Post any criticism about the ANC GC16 on our online forum as it will be erased and you will receive a sharply worded letter questioning your loyalty.

Troubleshooting

No power: Your public controller is unplugged from the ANC mainframe. Left unplugged the mainframe will drain all power and you will be forced to purchase a 2007 load-shedding converter. This will restore some power, but not all.

The SACP interface is broken: Either the mainframe and adapter are unplugged. On its own, the interface is useless.

Despite following instructions, the game does not respond: Check for viruses. The most destructive contemporary virus is the Gupta 506 Bypass Worm. If your console is infected, Zuma and the ANC mainframe will make executive decisions without even the pretence of choice, many of which are far more self-destructive than is typical of the model. Download Election software to purge your system.

Your costs are spiralling: Despite the set purchase price, the ANC mainframe may inflict additional costs on you. It can automatically download software without permission. The Nkandla Upgrade Package, for example, is often automatically downloaded by the mainframe. You will then be billed for the upgrade regardless. The cost of the upgrade varies between R230m and R250m. WARNING: The Upgrade Package is entirely without use or purpose.

Your hardware is broken: The Cosatu power adapter does, on occasion spark while attempting to power the mainframe. These surges are internally destructive and can even damage the adapter itself. It is possible to purchase the various component parts of the adapter and run them each separately, however, as the manufacturers have not agreed on what these component parts are, exactly, finding a component part that is mechanically coherent is difficult. Some parts can be bought on the black market.

We are looking into these problems.

The ANC GC16 universe

We do offer other products in the ANC GC16 range. We highly recommend these.

The ANC Women’s League headphones allow you to block out any reference to gender inequality, patriarchy or sexism that might emanate from your ANC GC16, Zuma or the games you play on it. In this way you can carry on playing the game without any self-doubt or guilt about the content with which you engage.

We also offer the ANC Youth League Memory Expansion Stick. Once inserted into the ANC GC16, this memory stick allows you to use software of a previous generation with none of the performance.

WARNING: The ANCYL Expansion Stick is liable to eat all existing memory and effectively bankrupt your memory banks. A previous version on the stick was so powerful a rival company bought it out and is now selling the product as a competitor.

Disclaimer

We have received a number of complaints that the 2016 ANC games console is less efficient, more prone to error, brittle and self-destructive than previous models; in particular, the 1994 ANC games console.

We are looking into this.

Obviously this is disturbing and we take these issues seriously. Games consoles should improve with time, becoming more advanced and technologically superior. They should not devolve. An internal investigation is currently under way into our procedures, and we intend to report back to customers soon.

We are, however, grateful for all your support, through thick and thin. Despite the obvious risks involved in running the ANC games console, we are pleased that 62% of all customers still prefer our model to those of our competitors.