CHANGE always involves loss. It is also probably the only given in life, unless you count Mark Twain’s death and taxes.
It is, then, both understandable and odd that so many people find change extremely difficult. Struck by this, Ariane de Bonvoisin researched what it was that those who weathered change well did differently, and wrote a book to help everyone else.
Her central message is: don’t try to control things.
"Changes always involve a lot of thinking — too much thinking, in fact," De Bonvoisin writes. "Our brain tries to figure it all out: the why, the how, the when. Sometimes we just need to turn off the thinking switch."
She combined life experience and research — including interviews with about 3,000 people who had undergone radical changes — when writing The First 30 Days.
She sets out nine principles for dealing with change. Each chapter is short, succinct and ends with tasks such as writing a "change CV" to show how well you have already dealt with change.
"By becoming aware of the changes you have lived through, you will not only recognise all that you’ve successfully handled, but also become more conscious of who you are at your core," De Bonvoisin writes.
She distills the essence of surviving change with aplomb to letting go of control and believing there has to be some light at the end of the tunnel.
"At its core, people who are positive and optimistic experience life differently. Their focus is not that ‘life is against me’ ... all the power is in how you think and what you say about yourself."
The First 30 Days works on psychology’s premise that it takes 21-28 days to forge a habit, and on the idea that choosing to think positively about change for that many days will establish new thought patterns that will help readers weather change for the rest of their lives.
The 2008 financial crisis had a heavy mental toll across the globe. "Especially for men, when your work is affected, it affects your entire identity," says De Bonvoisin.
"When it feels like ‘this is about me’, when it becomes personal, pervasive and permanent — when it feels like the situation won’t change — it becomes incredibly difficult. It is very different when you see (what has happened) as just a fact, not a personal story, you become more creative.
"When you show up to a new job interview, you will be more positive and people hire positive people, people they want to go out to lunch with."
Details
- TITLE: The First 30 Days: Your Guide to Making Any Change Easier
- AUTHOR: Ariane de Bonvoisin
- PUBLISHER: Jonathan Ball
One of the biggest mistakes is believing your personal crisis is so unique that there is no help to be had from others.
"A lot of people try to figure it all out by themselves," says De Bonvoisin. "They feel they should know how to deal with whatever crisis they are facing. People don’t reach out, they don’t ask for help, but asking for help is not just a way of solving what’s happened, it’s a way to see light at the end of the tunnel ... it’s a huge problem, it’s the worst thing we do, we think we are alone."
De Bonvoisin urges that people end the battle to find answers to "why" something has happened that changes their lives.
"Instead of working to understand what life is telling us ... you can help yourself move through change by looking for clues to the mystery, for what is next for you, what is around the corner."
The First 30 Days is honest, realistic, nonjudgmental and fairly easy to implement. She illustrates almost every point with personal vignettes, and is open about her own traumas and tragedies.
Along with relinquishing control, De Bonvoisin suggests the only way to properly deal with change is to quiet the mind and trust your intuition.
"We ignore our intuition because we are convinced we know better, that what we think — as opposed to what we feel — is always right."
Rather hard in a world that lionises knowledge, but she proposes that people tune in to their intuition, listening to others’ advice but relying on "what feels right" over any advice from others, or personal rationalisations.
"Incorporate the best of what you hear and learn, but always come back to yourself."
Then she asks that those who find the spiritual "too New Agey" suspend their disbelief and choose to believe things will get better and there is something out there that is larger than an individual human, and is not against you.
"It’s during these first few days and weeks of change that you truly need to be grounded, to know without a shadow of a doubt that things will be OK, that things will work out, that you will make it through."
It’s a tough job, but a survivor’s got to do it.
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